A happy couple is not a ‘perfect
couple’ that comes together, but an imperfect couple that learns to enjoy each
other’s differences, and works together every day to create something
special. In other words, a great relationship isn’t luck and doesn’t just
happen – it requires effort and care to endure and evolve in ways that keep
both partners fulfilled.
All of this has given us keen
insight into the specific behaviors that make two human beings happy as a
couple. We’ve literally watched couples go from “ready to break up” to
being “on cloud nine” in a matter of weeks, simply by making subtle, effective
changes to their daily habits.
Not surprisingly though, once these
couples get it figured out, their newfound relationship habits become second
nature to them, and thus, they never talk about them. Bystanders may
witness their public displays of affection and contentment, but remain clueless
as to the source of their happiness. So that’s precisely what I want to
discuss today – the habits happy couples have, but never talk about.
1. They practice self-care as
individuals. – Relationships don’t create joy,
they reflect it. Joy comes from within. Relationships are simply
mirrors of the combined joy that two people have as individuals. What you
see in the mirror is what you see in your relationships. Your
disappointments in your partner often reflect your disappointments in yourself.
Your acceptance of your partner often reflects your acceptance of
yourself. Thus, the first step to having a healthy relationship with
someone else is to have a healthy relationship with yourself.
2. They stand together and refuse to
let outsiders call the shots. –
Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside. So
don’t let outsiders run your relationship for you. If you’re having an
issue with your partner, work it out with THEM and no one else. You have
to live your own lives your own way… that’s all there is to it. Each of
us has a unique fire in our heart for that one special person. It’s our
duty, and ours alone, to decide if a relationship is right for us.
If you and your partner both agree that it is right, IT IS, and it’s worth
working on, together.
3. They respect their relationship as
being a unique, incomparable bond. –
Don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s – not your parent’s, friend’s,
coworker’s, or that random couple whose relationship seems perfect. Every
couple makes their own love rules, love agreements, and love habits. Just
focus on what you two share, and make your unique bond the best it can
be. And keep in mind that all relationships have their ups and downs –
they do not ride at a continuous blissful high. Working together through
the hard times will make your relationship stronger in the end.
4. They are intimate about everything. – Sex is not love. Especially in the beginning of a
relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
Sex is good, sex is great, but it’s the easy part. Intimacy is what makes
relationships last. It requires honest communication and openness about
concerns, fears and sadness, as well as hopes, dreams and happiness.
5. They accept each other, without
trying to change each other. –
The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated as is.
Sometimes we try to be sculptors, constantly carving out of our significant
others the image of what we want them to be – what we think we need, love, or
desire. But these actions and perceptions are against reality, against
their benefit and ours, and always end in disappointment, because it does not
fit them.
The foundation of love is to let those we care about be
unapologetically themselves, and to not distort them to fit our own egotistical
ideas of who they should be. Otherwise we fall in love only with our own
fantasies, and thus miss out entirely on their true beauty. So save your
relationship from needless stress. Instead of trying to change your
partner, give them your support and grow together.
6. They make uninterrupted time for
each other. – If you neglect your relationship,
your relationship will neglect you too. With busy schedules we often
forget to relax and enjoy the great company we have. In relationships
distance is not measured in miles, but in affection. Two people can be
right next to each other and yet miles apart. So don’t ignore the one you
love, because lack of concern often hurts more than angry words.
7. They say what they mean and mean
what they say to each other. –
Your partner is not a mind reader. Share your thoughts. Give them
the information they need rather than expecting them to know the
unknowable. The more that remains unspoken, the greater the risk for
problems. Start communicating clearly. Don’t try to
read their mind, and don’t make them try to read yours. Most problems,
big and small, within a relationship, start with bad communication.
8. They listen intently before
replying. – Don’t listen so you can reply,
listen to understand. Open your ears and mind to your partner’s concerns
and opinions without judgment. Look at things from your partner’s
perspective as well as your own.
9. They don’t play games with each
other’s heads and hearts. – Cheating and
lying aren’t struggles, they’re reasons couples break up. Because great
things fall apart quite easily when they’ve been held together with lies.
The truth is, relationships don’t hurt; lying, cheating and twisting reality
until it plays with someone’s emotions is what hurts. Promises mean everything,
but after they’re broken, sorry means nothing (at least initially). So
never mess with your partner’s feelings just because you’re unsure of your
own. If you are unsure in any way, be sure to say so. Always be
open and honest.
10. They practice the golden rule in
their relationship. – In a healthy relationship, you
get what you put in. You get nothing less and nothing more. There
is no room for selfishness. If you want love, give love. If you
want to see a smile, give a smile. Don’t be concerned with who’s right;
be concerned with loving and being loved, caring and being cared for.
11. They cheer for each other. – Having an appreciation for how amazing your partner is
leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be
happy for them when they’re making progress. Cheer for their
victories. Celebrate their accomplishments, and encourage their goals and
ambitions. Challenge them to be the best they can be. And be
thankful for their blessings, openly.
12. They review and discuss their goals
and dreams often. – For couples, it’s two against the
world. Having regular discussions with each other about goals, dreams,
passions and the future, in a way that’s positive and inspiring, will not only
bring you closer together, but will also bring your collective desires closer
to reality.
13. They negotiate and compromise on
joint matters. – Since people’s needs are fluid
and change over time, and life itself demands change too, the inner workings of
good relationships are negotiated and re-negotiated all the time. And
oftentimes a two-way compromise is the best solution.
14. They refuse to play the blame game. – Blaming accomplishes nothing. Take responsibility
for your actions. Take responsibility for your relationship – the good
times and the bad. Work with your partner. Communicate.
Blaming them is a copout that accomplishes nothing. Either you both take
equal ownership of the problems you two encounter, or the problems will own
both of you.
15. They don’t blow things out of
proportion. – People make mistakes. Crap
happens. There’s no reason to shatter your relationship into pieces over
spilt milk. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask
yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?” If not,
then let it go immediately.
16. They tame their anger the minute
they feel heated. – Heated arguments are a
waste. Your partner doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.
There are many roads to what’s right. And most of the time it just
doesn’t matter that much. When you feel anger surging up and you want to
yell that vulgar remark on the tip of your tongue, just close your mouth and
walk away. Don’t let your anger get the best of you.
Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation.
17. They apologize to each other
immediately. – Making up after an argument is
central to every happy relationship. A simple, honest “I’m sorry” is
usually the most important step. We all make mistakes, but our
willingness to admit it doesn’t always come naturally. So remember, it
doesn’t really matter who’s right – it’s what’s right that matters. If
your relationship is important to you, an apology is always right.
18. They practice patience and
forgiveness daily. – Apologies must be backed by
sincere patience and forgiveness. Because no matter how honest and kind
you try to be, you will occasionally step on your partner’s toes. And
this is precisely why patience and forgiveness are so vital to
relationships. Patience is simply the ability to let your light shine on
the one you love, even after your fuse has blown. And forgiveness is
knowing deep down that they didn’t mean to blow your fuse in the first place.
19.They make daily sacrifices for each
other. – Intimate bonds are tied with
true love, and true love involves attention, awareness, discipline, effort, and
being able to care about someone and sacrifice for them, continuously, in
countless petty little unsexy ways, every day. You put your arms around
them and love them regardless, even when they’re not very lovable. And of
course they do the same for you. If you want to know what a healthy
relationship is, it’s one where two people wake up every morning and say, “This
is worth it. You all are worth it. I am happy you are in my
life.” It’s about sacrifice. It’s about knowing that some days you
will have to do things you dislike to make the one you love smile, and feeling
perfectly delighted to do so.
20. They respect each other’s humanness. – Even the happiest couples on Earth are still just two
humans. And all humans are imperfect. At times, the confident lose
confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the generous act selfish, and
the knowledgeable second guess what they know. It happens to the best of
us. We make mistakes, we lose our tempers, and we get caught off
guard. We stumble, we slip, and we spin out of control sometimes.
But that’s the worst of it; we all have our moments. Most of the time
we’re remarkable. So stand beside the one you love through their trying
times of imperfection. If you aren’t willing to, you really don’t deserve
to be around for their perfect moments either.
Afterthoughts
By compiling this list I’m not
suggesting that these are the only keys to being a happy couple, I’m simply
shedding light on some common habits that can make all the difference in the
world. A great deal of happiness in our relationships is due to
intentional activity.
Therefore, it’s possible for us to significantly
improve our love life simply by altering what we choose to do every day.
And much of what we do, both as couples and as individuals, we do on autopilot
based on our habits.
Bottom line: Happy couples love each
other. And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day – it’s
about showing it every day in every way.
Your
turn…
What else would you add to the
list? Are there any specific habits or actions that have made you and
your partner happier as a couple? Leave a comment below and let us know
what’s been working for you.
